The Road Less Traveled

“True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It’s when he ignores you and you still love him. It’s when he loves another but you still smile and say ‘I’m happy for you’… when all you really want to do is cry.” ~ Anonymous

“I’m okay”, two words that covers the life puzzle like no other. Its the easiest way not to be questioned further because you’re just too exasperated to explain the way you feel about everything. You realize that your life is a maze, indeed a mystifying one. You’re aware that you’ll face a stumbling block no matter which junction you take hence you resolve to go right up ahead and just let it be because you want to be happy now… you want to live for the moment, not for the future… and most importantly, you wanna smile now, genuinely because you’re tired of being overwhelmed with emotions every now and then.

While travelling your road, you may appear to be lonesome but the truth is, you’re not at all lonely. You’ve got the most amazing friends you can rely on at any time, any day and you know for fact that they’ll be there for you. Also, you’ve got your family back at any time you need them and you’ve got God, hence there’s no need for anything else. Oh well, you can’t escape from the oh-so-judgmental human nature. Thus, its best to be ignorant to an extent and continue walking down your the path you’ve chosen because in the end, the journey is yours… you’ve got to live for yourself, not for others. 🙂

Over the years, I’ve traveled my road, I’ve walked my path, I’ve overcome the mountains and here I am, at a crossroad once again. Damn! Didn’t I mention earlier that I’m clearly aware that no matter which junction I take, I know I’d have to overcome a mountain or another. Gosh. Can’t the sun just shine for longer days? Why must it rain so soon?

Silly me, without hesitation, I decided to take the road less traveled, the road that leads to familiar destruction, the road that I walked back from years ago. But I’m not regretting because I’m happy, though not completely, but I am… Yes, I’m very much enlightened with the fact that this is gonna be temporary but why not?.. Life is a risk after all.

Its Colorful WITHOUT You

It had been a pretty rough two weeks for me. My mind was never free from thoughts. Each incident kept haunting the already disturbed mind. Suddenly it feels like it had been ages since the last I was in peace. I can’t put into words the stress, tense and pain I went through for it wouldn’t justify anything.

A week ago, just before I got caught in a huge trouble, I saw him. I met him. And I could see it clearly, I’m definitely somebody he used to know. There was no care or love in his eyes. I can be more than sure that he just do not love me anymore, not the slightest bit. But its okay.. Though it hurt terribly then, its definitely in the process of healing already. He’s giving me more reasons to believe that I made the right choice, I did the right thing by leaving him. For one sole reason, I don’t deserve this, at all.

I’m the type of girl who takes relationships very seriously, let it be family, friends or the love of my life. I can’t stand someone treating me as if I do not possess any degree of dignity. I fall in my life more than once but I realized that after every rain, there is shine. I’ll get up once again, strong! So it just doesn’t matter if its taking forever to heal this time because I believe that it’ll eventually revive.

Juggling between work and studies is tough, so is juggling between the emotions. Sometimes, you just lose control and you have no choice but to break down, tear, cry, scream, … Cos after all, I’m just a normal girl like the rest of you.

Its okay. You may happen to see this. Its okay. You may choose to criticize me further. Its okay. At least I have ranted. Its okay.. Its okay.. I’ve seen the worst of you that whatever else you do wouldn’t cure the broken heart. 🙂 You can keep scarring the wound again and again but the pain is the same. You can’t hurt me more than you already did, my dear.

I wonder what was I thinking while I created the picture below..

Image

But I believe I can’t go wrong. And yes, though life is not as colorful, its unquestionably colorful WITHOUT you. When you left, you took away everything but with the blessings of God, my family and friends, I’m amazed with the way its all replenishing!

God bless~

The Best Years :)

I just realized that my life is poles apart from a few years ago. I was looking through the pictures in my phone and I realized that life has changed drastically after I started working. The pictures were not as exciting anymore and it made me feel old, and lifeless. 🙂

I miss my university lifestyle. 5 exciting years of assignments, books, lectures, friends, and most importantly, FUN! Similar to everything else in life, there were loads of ups and downs the entire years but today, sitting here all alone, I’m only reminiscing through the beautiful memories and laughing at what seemed like the end of the world back then.

Life was good then, honestly. I could choose to drink and party all night long and skip class the next morning, push assignments to the very last minute and have uncountable sleepless nights just to complete them before the due date, sleep like there’s no tomorrow without worrying a single bit, lunch with friends till its tea time, movies, dramas, and the list continues. Gosh! I miss them all.

When they say that money can buy everything, they were absolutely wrong. This is something money can’t buy, ever! And there’s nothing I can do to turn back time and relive those moments again. These will be the memories I’ll cherish till the end of time. It’ll preserve in this small part of my brains as a story to be told someday.

Now, back to reality! I shall make the best out of my life and live every moment like there’s no tomorrow. It’s time to get out of the comfort zone and understand the real meaning of hardship. It’s time to build the future! 🙂

Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid..

Have you came across a situation where you have loads of things crossing your mind and heart but you can’t seem to put it in words and burst it out loud?

I have. I’m feeling it at this very moment. I have no idea how to form my unspoken thoughts to words.. It’s more difficult than algebra.

I didn’t know love will cause this much pain. Memories flood my mind almost every day.. And I’m wondering, how could he forget me totally? How come I don’t matter anymore?

Not to brag, but I had been there for all good and bad times in his life as long as I was there.. When his friends left his side, I was there. When his precious instrument was confiscated, I was there. When he had no place to stay, I was there. When he was facing challenges with his studies, I was there… In the end, I’m still there but he’d found a better life.

I don’t understand the concept of life and love. I feel like Humpty Dumpty with a twist in my story. I was sitting on a wall called love and I had a great fall.. 😦 This time around, I find it really tough to get back to where I was sitting hence I’m opting for another wall called life.. Concentrate on myself, family, friends and God. If I’m gonna fall from this wall as well, I don’t think I’d have the courage to look for another wall.

Oh God, you’ve taken the word love out of my life.. Please don’t take the rest. I’m contended with what I have eventhough he once said that I’m not..

Smiling in sorrow has became a routine. Showing joy on the outside while my heart cries inside has became a habit. I wanna get outta this shithole. Seriously.

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Experiences Of A 23-year Old!

So here I am, back to tell you the experience of 23 years of my life. I apologize for the extreme delay.. I had been caught up with loads of work and by the time I get home, the last thing I would love to face is a God damn monitor! I need to give my eyes a break you see. :p

Let’s get rolling then.. 😉 I’ve got tonnes of experiences but I’m just gonna jolt down the significant ones randomly yeah.. Sorry if its gonna spin your head. Haha! 😉

1. Parents are ALWAYS right!

I’ve got no objection on this statement, sir! I was one of those rebellious kids who had these thoughts that my parents are evil enough to control my life! They don’t give me the opportunity to be independent like other teenagers, or maybe, they just don’t trust me! Those thoughts controlled my mind till I saw a bigger picture of the ruthless characters of the mankind these days. Shit happened and I learnt from my very own experience. Then I reflect and realized that I practically dug my own grave. I was advised and warned about such matters before.

After all these years, after all the crap I went through, to a certain extend, I’ve came to realization that parent’s always wants the best for their children. They ain’t your enemies buddy! They can be wrong at times, agreed! But not all the time. They went through greater experiences in their lives hence they know better. I’m sure they only advise us based on what they’ve seen in life, just like we do.. 🙂

2. Not all friends are TRUE friends.

I’m a hard believer of this statement. Since I was a child, I’ve seen all sorts of people coming in and moving outta my life. I had many friends back in school, only a few that still keeps in touch up to date. It was my university life that changed me a lot. People come, people go. At first, they claim they’ll never leave your side by any chance but when you’re at your lowest, they ain’t there for you. Some believe others more than you, make up scenarios in their heads about you, but no, won’t utter a word to you directly cos they rather believe in their imaginations. Oh cmon! If something about another friend is bothering you terribly, confront and sort it out. And please give a chance for him/her to talk. Don’t just assume things and blurt shit outta your mouth.

Sigh. I get really frustrated when it comes to this topic but yea, those you ditches you in the end were not true friends after all. 🙂 True friends are those who are there for you when you’re at your weakest. True friends are those who don’t judge you for your actions but advise you if you’re wrong. True friends are those who offer their shoulders for you to cry on when your heart is heavy. And I’m glad to say, after all these years, I’ve a few TRUE friends whom I can definitely rely on anytime, anywhere. I hope our friendship develops but not deteriorates over the years. 🙂

3. A heartbreak CHANGES the entire you.

It did, finally. To be honest, I’ve lost trust in the term “relationship”. People take relationships for granted these days. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I went through a break up recently, about 3 months ago. Its been 3 months, yeah, fucking THREE months, but to me it seems like it was just yesterday. I’ve never found myself finding it so difficult to move on after a break up but not this time. It probably hit me strongly this time because I was immature enough to give a 100%. Well, its okay. It was after the break up I realized loads of things. And no honey, I’m not full of vengeance, I just can’t accept the fact that I was in love with you entirely despite all the shit that you did in that one year and three months! I was stupid, very stupid.

However, I’d still like to thank you for coming into my life and changing me altogether. If you didn’t break my heart this way, I probably wouldn’t learn to value myself up to this date. I believe everything happens for a reason. You definitely taught me the lesson of my life. Please note that I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. You’re just history now and at times I wish I could you remove that part of my life completely. Sigh. But I know I can’t turn back time. All I can do is LEARN from the MISTAKES.

4. Learn to LOVE yourself.

I learned this expensively, rather expensively. It came to a point of life now that I finally understand the term “self-respect”. Dear girls, women and ladies, please value yourself. Don’t drop down flat in front of the man you love. Never let him feel superior to you. Never let him to use your weaknesses against you. To make it simple, DON’T LET HIM TO FUCK AROUND WITH YOU! Held your head high and tell him to FUCK OFF if he ever mistreats you.

I was stupid enough to stay around and deal with all the shit for the sake of LOVE. But what did I get in the end? Nothing but pain. Sweethearts, never allow him to carry his hands on you, that’s called ABUSING. Never tolerate the fact that he flirted behind your back, that’s called CHEATING. LOVE yourself, girls. Be with a man you believe you deserve. Don’t put yourself so low for the sake of love. I did. But I’ll never allow it to happen ever again. The next time a guy mistreats me, he better be prepared to pack his bags and get the fuck outta my life.

At times, when I look back, I wish I could handle things differently. If only I thought this way at that time, maybe things would have been a whole load different. It’ll save me from a broken heart at least. Or maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t look down at myself today. But don’t worry.. I’ll be fine. I’m not that broken to give up my life just like that. I’ll concentrate on the important aspects of my life and shit on the least important ones.. for I’ve learned to put myself ahead of others. 🙂

5. KARMA is a bitch.

When I was young, I was profound by the phrase “What goes around, comes around”. As I grew older, I was introduced to “Karma is a bitch”. As much I didn’t know how these phrases relates to our lives, today, ask me.. Been through it all. At times I wonder.. maybe, just maybe… whatever that I’m going through today is the result of what I have caused others yesterday, both directly and indirectly. Hence, I do not have a solid reason to hate anyone. They all came in my life to teach me a lesson, it one way or another..

6. Live life for the MOMENT.

If you ask me the definition of life, I’d answer you, “Search it for yourself”. This is not because I know it and I don’t wanna share with you.. Its more of I don’t have the answer too. 😦 I’ve never really tried searching for the answer either. Life is just life. Make the best out of it. 🙂 Don’t regret the yesterdays. Learn from them and move forward for life moves forward, not backward.

No, happiness doesn’t seek you. You gotta find it within you. Do shit that makes you happy. Be with people that make you feel great about yourself. Chuck those who condemns you outta your life. I know its easier said that done but practice makes perfect. 😉

7. You can’t possibly PLEASE everyone.

Oh! I learned this the hard way but I’m glad I learned it anyway. No, never on this earth you can please everyone, every time. Expectations kills. Judgments too. Always do things that feel right to you. I’m not saying that you’ll probably make the best decision at all times.. You may fall one too many times but you gotta learn to pick up those pieces and get up again. Screw the world, seriously. Believe in yourselves honey.

8. Believe in Him. 🙂

Always believe in Him. You’ll never go wrong. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank that guy who broke my heart.. It’s you who strengthen my believes for the Almighty God. Thank you. And the only reason I’m standing here today is because of Him. The guy I thought was my world left me broken into pieces. I was confused. I was lost. All I did was  surrender to God. I couldn’t have done better. It took me a lot of time to get over him, it was my believe that kept me going. I knew that I’ll be okay someday.. I knew that I’ll be perfectly fine.. I’m not there just as yet but with God by my side, I know I’d be able to fight tougher battles than this. Guess he’s just preparing me bit my bit so I can face bigger shit out there.. I don’t know.

I guess that is all I have for now. I’m feeling pretty sleepy already.. 😦 Haha. I’m laughing over my this post. In the beginning, I kinda elaborated it finely and towards the end, I couldn’t think much anymore hence all those short descriptions.. Haha. Forgive me. I’ll definitely write more if anything crossed my mind yeah. 🙂 Oh, lemme share with you a very very short poem by yours truly.

 What’s life? I’m yet to understand.

What’s love? I’m yet to know.

Without You, will I ever stand?

To You I shall surrender, that I know.

Alright then. I’m off to bed. Good night world! Till I have the time to write again……