Wired Thoughts

I have long came to know that everyone comes into your life for a reason but I can’t help but to question myself each and every time someone results me reminiscing past events that I am not even interested to recollect.

What’s the purpose really you came into my life to make me feel this way?

Most the time I have to look at the positive aspect of it – perhaps to make me stronger.

I am well aware that I should not hold past grudges against anyone but sometimes, some actions gives you the same level of anxiety as it did previously and in some situations, you find it extremely difficult to express these feelings to someone who barely wants to understand your soul – what would be the best next course of action?

Personally, I’d try my very best to make the other person understand. But again, one would only understand if they choose to comprehend to your situation. It will be really difficult to achieve the breakthrough if the other person chooses not to hear you out instead. It makes you feel like you’re constantly trapped in your own thoughts and that feeling of wanting to breakfree from such depressing feelings only adds up to the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

I often find myself in this situation and can’t seem to find the best solution for it. I’m literally feeling anxious as I am typing this away because I have loads to say but I can’t seem to express my thoughts in the best way. I realise I’m one person who prefers to communicate and expects the other party to listen. But again, not all five fingers are the same. Not everyone has the capabilities of being a favorable listener.

Some would say, walk away from the people who do not choose to understand you? How do you do that really? Especially when that person is someone you love dearly? Like God damn it, I want you to hear me out. I want to be more than physically naked to you. I want to be naked with you mentally too. Can I not pour my feelings to you while I be sure that I’ll always have your back? And can you have some respect to my feelings and try your best not to do anything that will ignite such anxiety within me?

 

 

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Fact 4 of 60

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I’m ordinarily a thinker, hence I think about almost anything and everything on a daily basis. All it takes is one trigger factor, and there you go, my mind will do what it does best, think.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about life in general. Why are we here? I agree, to be a healthy living soul on this planet by itself is Gods greatest gift. But what is our purpose to be here when we are tied by societal norms? Ask any individual, there’s so much they would want to do with their lives but there’s only so much they can do. And yes, we’re suppose to be thankful and appreciate the way we live our lives because that’s the way it was destined for us. But what if the only obstacle that’s in my way to live the life I’d love is a thin thread of absurd principles set by my parents supporting ludicrous social norms? You’re encircled in this peculiarity if you often hear your parents objecting your desires with a simple sentence or two, “No, you can’t be doing this/that because it is not practical to us. What will the relatives say? What will people say? Please don’t tarnish our dignity by executing your thoughts.” And there you go, you know nothing’s ever gonna convince them thus all you can do is sit in one corner and cry your lungs out for not getting the support or permission you desiderate, throw tantrums for a day or two to vent out your frustrations, question why is life unfair to you, and then you’ve got no choice but to move on with life. 🙂

I’m uncertain if the above applies to people from all heritage, but I’m more than assertive that it occurs to most females from an Asian Indian background. Life can’t get more conservative than it already is, trust me on this one. Cmon society, just because we are brown and born with boobs and vagina instead of a penis, do we have to be tied with a set of uptight principles? Are our lives all about growing up with restrictions from the parents, getting educated (that’s if you’re lucky), getting married before we hit the big 30 (otherwise you’ll be deemed old or maybe infertile), taking care of the husband and in laws needs, giving birth to children (really conservative in laws will demand for a boy), raise the child, grow old and say goodbye…?

I personally want to achieve more than this! I want to travel the world, I want to experience adventurous bungee jumping, skydiving, diving, etc., I want to live with the poor and experience their lifestyle, … there’s so much I want to do to test my boundaries and venture far beyond my capabilities. After all, sky’s the limit. 🙂

On that account, I’ve finally decided that my first step will be to take up swimming classes meanwhile I’m unemployed. Secondly, I’m more than determined to look for a job in whatever field possible just to be able to live independently and most importantly, gain experience and knowledge. I’m aware that I’m not capable to break the framework that have been set for generations, but I’m willing to take the baby steps to be the best for myself. I’m sick of the restrictions, I’m suffocated by the restraints, I want to do what my heart desires but my hands are tied, hence I can only do the best possible for myself within the wreathe of vague customs and traditions. However, I trust that my rise today will set me free someday.

Wow! That’s a lengthy one for a question with six words. 😉 Toodles!

Of Friendship And Misunderstandings.. :(

Have you felt that you’ve used the wrong choices of words to advice a friend? Have you felt that things could have been much better if you chose to shut the fuck up instead? Have you felt that sometimes you gotta pretend to suit others need?

If you’ve not, better pray that you wouldn’t cos I felt that in an instant after letting out all I could last night. It was relating to a friend who had been down for the past 4 months and nothing seems to be helping her to rise up. I may have used the wrong choices of words but to be judged and concluded based on what I said with the utmost genuine intentions is extremely hurting.

I’ve tried each and every way I could to make her feel better and realize her self-worth but I couldn’t bear it any longer that led me to just snap and let out everything that I felt all this while. I agree that I may be wrong in my way of approaching but I can’t pretend no longer. I just felt like saying all I want the way I should.

Sometimes I wonder, is it wrong to care? Is it wrong to be ruthless just to get some sense knocked in someone’s head? I didn’t mean to be a bitch, I just want her to get over it already! I know it is her personal life and it is up to her to decide when exactly she wanna feel better but as a friend, I believe that I should be her pillar to support her at her worst. I did all I could for the past months though I was going through the similar emotional turmoil. It was even harder then cos I was tucked in a mess myself and being a pillar for someone when your pillar is practically shattering wasn’t a good idea.

I personally believe that no matter how much you love someone of the opposite sex, never bury down yourself to the ground. Love yourself just as much, in fact more for then you’ll realize what or who is it that you actually deserve. Being treated like a puppet for the name sake of love wouldn’t make you a greater being but weaker over time! Some people are blinded by love while being in a relationship, well.. at least I was.. .. . and in that atmosphere, they just tend to ignore the obvious. Accepted. But .. When you realize that you’ve been treated unacceptably after you’re dumped or when you dump him/her, then why don’t you live by that facts and move on?

If you value yourself and put yourself high enough in your very own life, it’ll capture you that you had been living with someone who didn’t value or respect you for your worth. Never let a man/woman to take advantage of your innocence, silence and shyness for his/her satisfaction. To me, relationship doesn’t work that way. The key to every relationship should be respect. You respect his choice and he shall respect yours. Compromise where you should, especially if it results to uncomfortableness or hurt.

This is all I wanted her to know. I tried relating it to her personal life, her personal stories but she never seemed to get it. I said it in the nicest way ever and the bitchiest way ever.. But I still failed. And I feel I did enough but for a friend, the word ‘enough’ never exists. She may be upset or angry with me now but there’s nothing I could do to make her feel better cos I’m as upset. An apology is all that I could hand over from my side but the fact that she thinks I made her feel disgusted about herself … Sigh! I’m speechless.

Well, I guess I shall just leave her alone and give her some time to think for herself what I really meant out of the conversation yesterday. Even if she decides to take all my words literally and not look at the genuine intentions that were hidden in between those words, I shall let her be. I may not sound like a good friend and I’m not gonna label myself as one either but I know I meant it sincerely.

People, if you’ve got some advise, please do not hesitate to drop me comments. It’ll be very much appreciated.

Thanks! 🙂

 

Experiences Of A 23-year Old!

So here I am, back to tell you the experience of 23 years of my life. I apologize for the extreme delay.. I had been caught up with loads of work and by the time I get home, the last thing I would love to face is a God damn monitor! I need to give my eyes a break you see. :p

Let’s get rolling then.. 😉 I’ve got tonnes of experiences but I’m just gonna jolt down the significant ones randomly yeah.. Sorry if its gonna spin your head. Haha! 😉

1. Parents are ALWAYS right!

I’ve got no objection on this statement, sir! I was one of those rebellious kids who had these thoughts that my parents are evil enough to control my life! They don’t give me the opportunity to be independent like other teenagers, or maybe, they just don’t trust me! Those thoughts controlled my mind till I saw a bigger picture of the ruthless characters of the mankind these days. Shit happened and I learnt from my very own experience. Then I reflect and realized that I practically dug my own grave. I was advised and warned about such matters before.

After all these years, after all the crap I went through, to a certain extend, I’ve came to realization that parent’s always wants the best for their children. They ain’t your enemies buddy! They can be wrong at times, agreed! But not all the time. They went through greater experiences in their lives hence they know better. I’m sure they only advise us based on what they’ve seen in life, just like we do.. 🙂

2. Not all friends are TRUE friends.

I’m a hard believer of this statement. Since I was a child, I’ve seen all sorts of people coming in and moving outta my life. I had many friends back in school, only a few that still keeps in touch up to date. It was my university life that changed me a lot. People come, people go. At first, they claim they’ll never leave your side by any chance but when you’re at your lowest, they ain’t there for you. Some believe others more than you, make up scenarios in their heads about you, but no, won’t utter a word to you directly cos they rather believe in their imaginations. Oh cmon! If something about another friend is bothering you terribly, confront and sort it out. And please give a chance for him/her to talk. Don’t just assume things and blurt shit outta your mouth.

Sigh. I get really frustrated when it comes to this topic but yea, those you ditches you in the end were not true friends after all. 🙂 True friends are those who are there for you when you’re at your weakest. True friends are those who don’t judge you for your actions but advise you if you’re wrong. True friends are those who offer their shoulders for you to cry on when your heart is heavy. And I’m glad to say, after all these years, I’ve a few TRUE friends whom I can definitely rely on anytime, anywhere. I hope our friendship develops but not deteriorates over the years. 🙂

3. A heartbreak CHANGES the entire you.

It did, finally. To be honest, I’ve lost trust in the term “relationship”. People take relationships for granted these days. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I went through a break up recently, about 3 months ago. Its been 3 months, yeah, fucking THREE months, but to me it seems like it was just yesterday. I’ve never found myself finding it so difficult to move on after a break up but not this time. It probably hit me strongly this time because I was immature enough to give a 100%. Well, its okay. It was after the break up I realized loads of things. And no honey, I’m not full of vengeance, I just can’t accept the fact that I was in love with you entirely despite all the shit that you did in that one year and three months! I was stupid, very stupid.

However, I’d still like to thank you for coming into my life and changing me altogether. If you didn’t break my heart this way, I probably wouldn’t learn to value myself up to this date. I believe everything happens for a reason. You definitely taught me the lesson of my life. Please note that I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. You’re just history now and at times I wish I could you remove that part of my life completely. Sigh. But I know I can’t turn back time. All I can do is LEARN from the MISTAKES.

4. Learn to LOVE yourself.

I learned this expensively, rather expensively. It came to a point of life now that I finally understand the term “self-respect”. Dear girls, women and ladies, please value yourself. Don’t drop down flat in front of the man you love. Never let him feel superior to you. Never let him to use your weaknesses against you. To make it simple, DON’T LET HIM TO FUCK AROUND WITH YOU! Held your head high and tell him to FUCK OFF if he ever mistreats you.

I was stupid enough to stay around and deal with all the shit for the sake of LOVE. But what did I get in the end? Nothing but pain. Sweethearts, never allow him to carry his hands on you, that’s called ABUSING. Never tolerate the fact that he flirted behind your back, that’s called CHEATING. LOVE yourself, girls. Be with a man you believe you deserve. Don’t put yourself so low for the sake of love. I did. But I’ll never allow it to happen ever again. The next time a guy mistreats me, he better be prepared to pack his bags and get the fuck outta my life.

At times, when I look back, I wish I could handle things differently. If only I thought this way at that time, maybe things would have been a whole load different. It’ll save me from a broken heart at least. Or maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t look down at myself today. But don’t worry.. I’ll be fine. I’m not that broken to give up my life just like that. I’ll concentrate on the important aspects of my life and shit on the least important ones.. for I’ve learned to put myself ahead of others. 🙂

5. KARMA is a bitch.

When I was young, I was profound by the phrase “What goes around, comes around”. As I grew older, I was introduced to “Karma is a bitch”. As much I didn’t know how these phrases relates to our lives, today, ask me.. Been through it all. At times I wonder.. maybe, just maybe… whatever that I’m going through today is the result of what I have caused others yesterday, both directly and indirectly. Hence, I do not have a solid reason to hate anyone. They all came in my life to teach me a lesson, it one way or another..

6. Live life for the MOMENT.

If you ask me the definition of life, I’d answer you, “Search it for yourself”. This is not because I know it and I don’t wanna share with you.. Its more of I don’t have the answer too. 😦 I’ve never really tried searching for the answer either. Life is just life. Make the best out of it. 🙂 Don’t regret the yesterdays. Learn from them and move forward for life moves forward, not backward.

No, happiness doesn’t seek you. You gotta find it within you. Do shit that makes you happy. Be with people that make you feel great about yourself. Chuck those who condemns you outta your life. I know its easier said that done but practice makes perfect. 😉

7. You can’t possibly PLEASE everyone.

Oh! I learned this the hard way but I’m glad I learned it anyway. No, never on this earth you can please everyone, every time. Expectations kills. Judgments too. Always do things that feel right to you. I’m not saying that you’ll probably make the best decision at all times.. You may fall one too many times but you gotta learn to pick up those pieces and get up again. Screw the world, seriously. Believe in yourselves honey.

8. Believe in Him. 🙂

Always believe in Him. You’ll never go wrong. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank that guy who broke my heart.. It’s you who strengthen my believes for the Almighty God. Thank you. And the only reason I’m standing here today is because of Him. The guy I thought was my world left me broken into pieces. I was confused. I was lost. All I did was  surrender to God. I couldn’t have done better. It took me a lot of time to get over him, it was my believe that kept me going. I knew that I’ll be okay someday.. I knew that I’ll be perfectly fine.. I’m not there just as yet but with God by my side, I know I’d be able to fight tougher battles than this. Guess he’s just preparing me bit my bit so I can face bigger shit out there.. I don’t know.

I guess that is all I have for now. I’m feeling pretty sleepy already.. 😦 Haha. I’m laughing over my this post. In the beginning, I kinda elaborated it finely and towards the end, I couldn’t think much anymore hence all those short descriptions.. Haha. Forgive me. I’ll definitely write more if anything crossed my mind yeah. 🙂 Oh, lemme share with you a very very short poem by yours truly.

 What’s life? I’m yet to understand.

What’s love? I’m yet to know.

Without You, will I ever stand?

To You I shall surrender, that I know.

Alright then. I’m off to bed. Good night world! Till I have the time to write again……