Wired Thoughts

I have long came to know that everyone comes into your life for a reason but I can’t help but to question myself each and every time someone results me reminiscing past events that I am not even interested to recollect.

What’s the purpose really you came into my life to make me feel this way?

Most the time I have to look at the positive aspect of it – perhaps to make me stronger.

I am well aware that I should not hold past grudges against anyone but sometimes, some actions gives you the same level of anxiety as it did previously and in some situations, you find it extremely difficult to express these feelings to someone who barely wants to understand your soul – what would be the best next course of action?

Personally, I’d try my very best to make the other person understand. But again, one would only understand if they choose to comprehend to your situation. It will be really difficult to achieve the breakthrough if the other person chooses not to hear you out instead. It makes you feel like you’re constantly trapped in your own thoughts and that feeling of wanting to breakfree from such depressing feelings only adds up to the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

I often find myself in this situation and can’t seem to find the best solution for it. I’m literally feeling anxious as I am typing this away because I have loads to say but I can’t seem to express my thoughts in the best way. I realise I’m one person who prefers to communicate and expects the other party to listen. But again, not all five fingers are the same. Not everyone has the capabilities of being a favorable listener.

Some would say, walk away from the people who do not choose to understand you? How do you do that really? Especially when that person is someone you love dearly? Like God damn it, I want you to hear me out. I want to be more than physically naked to you. I want to be naked with you mentally too. Can I not pour my feelings to you while I be sure that I’ll always have your back? And can you have some respect to my feelings and try your best not to do anything that will ignite such anxiety within me?

 

 

Fact 4 of 60

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I’m ordinarily a thinker, hence I think about almost anything and everything on a daily basis. All it takes is one trigger factor, and there you go, my mind will do what it does best, think.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about life in general. Why are we here? I agree, to be a healthy living soul on this planet by itself is Gods greatest gift. But what is our purpose to be here when we are tied by societal norms? Ask any individual, there’s so much they would want to do with their lives but there’s only so much they can do. And yes, we’re suppose to be thankful and appreciate the way we live our lives because that’s the way it was destined for us. But what if the only obstacle that’s in my way to live the life I’d love is a thin thread of absurd principles set by my parents supporting ludicrous social norms? You’re encircled in this peculiarity if you often hear your parents objecting your desires with a simple sentence or two, “No, you can’t be doing this/that because it is not practical to us. What will the relatives say? What will people say? Please don’t tarnish our dignity by executing your thoughts.” And there you go, you know nothing’s ever gonna convince them thus all you can do is sit in one corner and cry your lungs out for not getting the support or permission you desiderate, throw tantrums for a day or two to vent out your frustrations, question why is life unfair to you, and then you’ve got no choice but to move on with life. 🙂

I’m uncertain if the above applies to people from all heritage, but I’m more than assertive that it occurs to most females from an Asian Indian background. Life can’t get more conservative than it already is, trust me on this one. Cmon society, just because we are brown and born with boobs and vagina instead of a penis, do we have to be tied with a set of uptight principles? Are our lives all about growing up with restrictions from the parents, getting educated (that’s if you’re lucky), getting married before we hit the big 30 (otherwise you’ll be deemed old or maybe infertile), taking care of the husband and in laws needs, giving birth to children (really conservative in laws will demand for a boy), raise the child, grow old and say goodbye…?

I personally want to achieve more than this! I want to travel the world, I want to experience adventurous bungee jumping, skydiving, diving, etc., I want to live with the poor and experience their lifestyle, … there’s so much I want to do to test my boundaries and venture far beyond my capabilities. After all, sky’s the limit. 🙂

On that account, I’ve finally decided that my first step will be to take up swimming classes meanwhile I’m unemployed. Secondly, I’m more than determined to look for a job in whatever field possible just to be able to live independently and most importantly, gain experience and knowledge. I’m aware that I’m not capable to break the framework that have been set for generations, but I’m willing to take the baby steps to be the best for myself. I’m sick of the restrictions, I’m suffocated by the restraints, I want to do what my heart desires but my hands are tied, hence I can only do the best possible for myself within the wreathe of vague customs and traditions. However, I trust that my rise today will set me free someday.

Wow! That’s a lengthy one for a question with six words. 😉 Toodles!

Mind and Heart – No Chemistry

I smiled through the confusion, laughed through the euphoria, weeped through the agony… I surpassed it all because more than I want to, I had to… life’s an adventure after all. 😄

Time passes, situation turn overs, people changes … but love never fades. I trust that each and every person that comes into your lives comes in it for a reason and there’s no way they’ll depart without leaving a footprint in your heart. ❤

Yes honey, nothing is permanent in this world. People do leave. 🙂 just that some stays longer than expected, not in your lives, but in your heart. 🙂 In fact, some are there forever. 😁

Lately, it has been a pretty challenging to express the mind and heart. I’m always in a dilemma, muddled between thoughts and emotions. Someone once told me that the mind and heart does not latch on to chemistry thus love is painful because though you know it’s disastrous, you can’t keep yourself from feeling it. 😉 and as much as it hurts, you can’t negate the wonderful moments which turns out to be life’s greatest memories. 😀

I’ll miss you. I’ll miss us. Thank you for being a great spot. Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me to endure the worst pain of all. Most importantly, thank you so much for loving me unconditionally. I wished, yes, WISHED – and not wish because I know it’ll never happen in this lifetime – that the situation was a whole lot different. Maybe we would have made it through happily. 🙂

Oh well, …. life goes on. 🙂 keep smiling to curtain the way it sores, pierces, gashes and aches inside. 🙂 🙂

Decided?

Tough month ahead! *dieeeessss*

I’ve got 4, yes FOUR assignments to hand up consecutively from the 25th of March onwards. Seriously! No idea how am I gonna manage this but not that I have a choice. :/ Mum is suggesting me to opt for that which matters more to me and I’m seriously considering the idea. I don’t think I can handle this anymore! 😦

Studying and working is tough, very tough. I feel I spent half of my day in the office and it bores the shit outta me. I rather be studying Criminal Law or Contract Law. Haha. I’ve got a few option laid ahead of me and yeah, for once, I hope God will have some mercy on me. One after another challenge throughout these two month, I need a break!

Yes God, you won’t give me what I can’t handle but please stop pushing it over the limit. I can’t handle anymore, I can’t. I’m already struggling with my studies and working 10 hours a day is beyond craziness. Please God. Let me go this time? Give me the strength to choose the best for me.. Can?

Thank you God!

Life Goes On..

She was lying in bed at 2 o’clock in the morning, tossing and turning, trying to catch some sleep after a long exhausting day. Memories of yesterday were flooding through her restless mind. “Again?!” she asked herself. “Go away! I need to rest!” she interjected. It was apparent that she felt uneasy. Tablets of flashbacks began to puzzle her intuition. “Fuck off! Leave me alone!” she yelled silently in her head. She was nearly in tears but the voices in her head were not leaving her alone.

She started to sob. She knew that she was breaking down, once again, during the darkest hours of the night, all alone. Thousands of questions crept through her like the vibes of an acid frenzy. All the horrible bygones began to dawn to her.

A voice in her head said, “What have I done? Was it a mistake? Why do I feel that I should not have taken such a bold step to remove him completely from my life? I miss him!” Tears were streaming down her face like rain gushing off a steep roof.

She knew that she have gone through a lot in life and a break up was indeed petty in comparison to the rest. But of course she can’t deny the fact that the pain pierced through her heart like pricking needles. She hated feeling this way. She hated pretending strong in the daylight but weeping obscurely when the night falls. She wants to smile genuinely. She wants to laugh whole-heartedly. But why does it all seem so difficult? Why does it seem that happiness is no longer in her league anymore?

In tears, she closed her eyes and let the thoughts wander.. “Oh God, in You I believe, in You I surrender. Please give me the strength to endure this heartbreak. I’m sure You know the best for me. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you, Lord. I believe that You’ve got greater plans!” she prayed silently and fall asleep sooner.

And today, when I glance back at those miserable nights, I’m assured that it all happened for a reason. “God will not give you more than you can handle” – A phrase that became a motto of my life. Whenever I think I’m shattering, I hold my guts tight and tell myself, “It is just another phase of life. You’ll get through it. Don’t give up!”

Life goes on.