Fact 4 of 60

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I’m ordinarily a thinker, hence I think about almost anything and everything on a daily basis. All it takes is one trigger factor, and there you go, my mind will do what it does best, think.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot about life in general. Why are we here? I agree, to be a healthy living soul on this planet by itself is Gods greatest gift. But what is our purpose to be here when we are tied by societal norms? Ask any individual, there’s so much they would want to do with their lives but there’s only so much they can do. And yes, we’re suppose to be thankful and appreciate the way we live our lives because that’s the way it was destined for us. But what if the only obstacle that’s in my way to live the life I’d love is a thin thread of absurd principles set by my parents supporting ludicrous social norms? You’re encircled in this peculiarity if you often hear your parents objecting your desires with a simple sentence or two, “No, you can’t be doing this/that because it is not practical to us. What will the relatives say? What will people say? Please don’t tarnish our dignity by executing your thoughts.” And there you go, you know nothing’s ever gonna convince them thus all you can do is sit in one corner and cry your lungs out for not getting the support or permission you desiderate, throw tantrums for a day or two to vent out your frustrations, question why is life unfair to you, and then you’ve got no choice but to move on with life. 🙂

I’m uncertain if the above applies to people from all heritage, but I’m more than assertive that it occurs to most females from an Asian Indian background. Life can’t get more conservative than it already is, trust me on this one. Cmon society, just because we are brown and born with boobs and vagina instead of a penis, do we have to be tied with a set of uptight principles? Are our lives all about growing up with restrictions from the parents, getting educated (that’s if you’re lucky), getting married before we hit the big 30 (otherwise you’ll be deemed old or maybe infertile), taking care of the husband and in laws needs, giving birth to children (really conservative in laws will demand for a boy), raise the child, grow old and say goodbye…?

I personally want to achieve more than this! I want to travel the world, I want to experience adventurous bungee jumping, skydiving, diving, etc., I want to live with the poor and experience their lifestyle, … there’s so much I want to do to test my boundaries and venture far beyond my capabilities. After all, sky’s the limit. 🙂

On that account, I’ve finally decided that my first step will be to take up swimming classes meanwhile I’m unemployed. Secondly, I’m more than determined to look for a job in whatever field possible just to be able to live independently and most importantly, gain experience and knowledge. I’m aware that I’m not capable to break the framework that have been set for generations, but I’m willing to take the baby steps to be the best for myself. I’m sick of the restrictions, I’m suffocated by the restraints, I want to do what my heart desires but my hands are tied, hence I can only do the best possible for myself within the wreathe of vague customs and traditions. However, I trust that my rise today will set me free someday.

Wow! That’s a lengthy one for a question with six words. 😉 Toodles!

The Road Less Traveled

“True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It’s when he ignores you and you still love him. It’s when he loves another but you still smile and say ‘I’m happy for you’… when all you really want to do is cry.” ~ Anonymous

“I’m okay”, two words that covers the life puzzle like no other. Its the easiest way not to be questioned further because you’re just too exasperated to explain the way you feel about everything. You realize that your life is a maze, indeed a mystifying one. You’re aware that you’ll face a stumbling block no matter which junction you take hence you resolve to go right up ahead and just let it be because you want to be happy now… you want to live for the moment, not for the future… and most importantly, you wanna smile now, genuinely because you’re tired of being overwhelmed with emotions every now and then.

While travelling your road, you may appear to be lonesome but the truth is, you’re not at all lonely. You’ve got the most amazing friends you can rely on at any time, any day and you know for fact that they’ll be there for you. Also, you’ve got your family back at any time you need them and you’ve got God, hence there’s no need for anything else. Oh well, you can’t escape from the oh-so-judgmental human nature. Thus, its best to be ignorant to an extent and continue walking down your the path you’ve chosen because in the end, the journey is yours… you’ve got to live for yourself, not for others. 🙂

Over the years, I’ve traveled my road, I’ve walked my path, I’ve overcome the mountains and here I am, at a crossroad once again. Damn! Didn’t I mention earlier that I’m clearly aware that no matter which junction I take, I know I’d have to overcome a mountain or another. Gosh. Can’t the sun just shine for longer days? Why must it rain so soon?

Silly me, without hesitation, I decided to take the road less traveled, the road that leads to familiar destruction, the road that I walked back from years ago. But I’m not regretting because I’m happy, though not completely, but I am… Yes, I’m very much enlightened with the fact that this is gonna be temporary but why not?.. Life is a risk after all.

Its Colorful WITHOUT You

It had been a pretty rough two weeks for me. My mind was never free from thoughts. Each incident kept haunting the already disturbed mind. Suddenly it feels like it had been ages since the last I was in peace. I can’t put into words the stress, tense and pain I went through for it wouldn’t justify anything.

A week ago, just before I got caught in a huge trouble, I saw him. I met him. And I could see it clearly, I’m definitely somebody he used to know. There was no care or love in his eyes. I can be more than sure that he just do not love me anymore, not the slightest bit. But its okay.. Though it hurt terribly then, its definitely in the process of healing already. He’s giving me more reasons to believe that I made the right choice, I did the right thing by leaving him. For one sole reason, I don’t deserve this, at all.

I’m the type of girl who takes relationships very seriously, let it be family, friends or the love of my life. I can’t stand someone treating me as if I do not possess any degree of dignity. I fall in my life more than once but I realized that after every rain, there is shine. I’ll get up once again, strong! So it just doesn’t matter if its taking forever to heal this time because I believe that it’ll eventually revive.

Juggling between work and studies is tough, so is juggling between the emotions. Sometimes, you just lose control and you have no choice but to break down, tear, cry, scream, … Cos after all, I’m just a normal girl like the rest of you.

Its okay. You may happen to see this. Its okay. You may choose to criticize me further. Its okay. At least I have ranted. Its okay.. Its okay.. I’ve seen the worst of you that whatever else you do wouldn’t cure the broken heart. 🙂 You can keep scarring the wound again and again but the pain is the same. You can’t hurt me more than you already did, my dear.

I wonder what was I thinking while I created the picture below..

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But I believe I can’t go wrong. And yes, though life is not as colorful, its unquestionably colorful WITHOUT you. When you left, you took away everything but with the blessings of God, my family and friends, I’m amazed with the way its all replenishing!

God bless~

When Memories Fool The Disturbed Mind..

A very Happy Deepavali/Diwali to those who celebrates.. 🙂 May this festival of lights rejoice you prosperously through the year ahead. God bless. 🙂

I didn’t celebrate at all this year. Family is back in hometown and I miss them to bits! 😦 I usually go to my bestie’s house every single year but her dad passed away recently and she ain’t celebrating this year.. So here am I, all alone, dreading each second that passes by with nothing but memories of yesterday…

I took a bold step before 12 midnight yesterday hoping to feel a whole load better in conjuction with the festival of lights but things seems to be stagnant and I’m feeling a whole load worst! 😦

After listening to that very same voice I used to hear before every night before I go to sleep, the pain in my heart is unbearable. How can someone who was your everything yesterday seem like a stranger to you today? How can every single moment change in a flick of seconds? Sigh. No one have answers to my question, not even God. All I know is that God have planned everything and I’m just living my life according to His rhythm..

I don’t know whether I’m just bluntly silly to believe those words compared to the obvious actions or my heart is just toooo weak to feel nothing but pain.. I wish there was a delete button for my brains and heart, just press that button and every memories goes to recycle bin.. Life would have been so much easier, don’t you think so?

Haizzzz.. I can go on ranting if I choose to but I’m sure it’ll bore the hell outta you. I know I have to put a full stop to all that I’m doin now and as much as I want to, I don’t think it is possible in the nearest time. Its gonna be four months after the break up in a few days and I’m still where I was.. I did a few things to sooth myself but my heart still holds those memories tightly.

Note to self: Sweetheart, learn to let go.. If he comes back as a changed person and treats you well, he is yours.. If he doesn’t, it was definitely not meant to be.. God sent him to your life to learn the necessary. You’ve learnt your lesson and now its time to move on.. Concentrate on your career and future. Leave the past to where it belongs cos its the past after all. Good luck, baby!

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Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid..

Have you came across a situation where you have loads of things crossing your mind and heart but you can’t seem to put it in words and burst it out loud?

I have. I’m feeling it at this very moment. I have no idea how to form my unspoken thoughts to words.. It’s more difficult than algebra.

I didn’t know love will cause this much pain. Memories flood my mind almost every day.. And I’m wondering, how could he forget me totally? How come I don’t matter anymore?

Not to brag, but I had been there for all good and bad times in his life as long as I was there.. When his friends left his side, I was there. When his precious instrument was confiscated, I was there. When he had no place to stay, I was there. When he was facing challenges with his studies, I was there… In the end, I’m still there but he’d found a better life.

I don’t understand the concept of life and love. I feel like Humpty Dumpty with a twist in my story. I was sitting on a wall called love and I had a great fall.. 😦 This time around, I find it really tough to get back to where I was sitting hence I’m opting for another wall called life.. Concentrate on myself, family, friends and God. If I’m gonna fall from this wall as well, I don’t think I’d have the courage to look for another wall.

Oh God, you’ve taken the word love out of my life.. Please don’t take the rest. I’m contended with what I have eventhough he once said that I’m not..

Smiling in sorrow has became a routine. Showing joy on the outside while my heart cries inside has became a habit. I wanna get outta this shithole. Seriously.

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