Que Sera, Sera

Gosh! It has been ages! :/ The strange urge of jolting down my wired thoughts, puzzled mind and jumbled feelings FINALLY resided after contemplating for months. Too much have been going on in my plate and to my greatest dismay, blogging had been the final resort. I couldn’t get myself to rant it out here, sadly… but well, I guess one can’t run too far away resorting on a temporary harbor to vent out the sentiments. Thus, here I am, hopefully back for a longer time this time around.

I genuinely missed writing. I did. I believe I should make it a point to spare a little time to write, at least one a week? 🙂 I shall try.

So… What’s up? How’ve you been doing? I hope all’s well. I’m pretty much good too, or at least I assume I am. 🙂 Every day have been a new day for me – creating new opportunities, delivering unique experiences, forming meaningful memories – not forgetting the self-enduring smile and life changing tears. It have been good, innit? 😉

On a side note, did I fall in love? Hahaha! I fell in love every day. 🙂 I shall leave it to your imagination! 😀 And of course with love come tears, tears of contentment and tears of sorrow. Life’s never a predictable journey and love is definitely blind. Situations comes along in the most accidental manner, leaving you dumbfounded – letting time decide the outcome.

Have you ever tried fighting for someone or something so persistently knowing that no matter how hard you struggle, there’s no possible way you can turnaround and claim victory? I did. And of course I lost in my very own battle. 🙂 There’s only so much one can ride out in life. One can’t bear the brunt for too long. I eventually resolved to sit back and acknowledge the truth, the reality and repressing the feelings by soothing myself with my favourite line of all time, “que sera, sera” (whatever will be, will be). 🙂

Don’t worry, I’m still smiling through it all. 🙂 🙂 The agony is discreetly concealed behind the curve that sets everything straight. 🙂 Que sera, sera but I shall carry each and every piece of memory to the end of time. 🙂

The Road Less Traveled

“True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It’s when he ignores you and you still love him. It’s when he loves another but you still smile and say ‘I’m happy for you’… when all you really want to do is cry.” ~ Anonymous

“I’m okay”, two words that covers the life puzzle like no other. Its the easiest way not to be questioned further because you’re just too exasperated to explain the way you feel about everything. You realize that your life is a maze, indeed a mystifying one. You’re aware that you’ll face a stumbling block no matter which junction you take hence you resolve to go right up ahead and just let it be because you want to be happy now… you want to live for the moment, not for the future… and most importantly, you wanna smile now, genuinely because you’re tired of being overwhelmed with emotions every now and then.

While travelling your road, you may appear to be lonesome but the truth is, you’re not at all lonely. You’ve got the most amazing friends you can rely on at any time, any day and you know for fact that they’ll be there for you. Also, you’ve got your family back at any time you need them and you’ve got God, hence there’s no need for anything else. Oh well, you can’t escape from the oh-so-judgmental human nature. Thus, its best to be ignorant to an extent and continue walking down your the path you’ve chosen because in the end, the journey is yours… you’ve got to live for yourself, not for others. 🙂

Over the years, I’ve traveled my road, I’ve walked my path, I’ve overcome the mountains and here I am, at a crossroad once again. Damn! Didn’t I mention earlier that I’m clearly aware that no matter which junction I take, I know I’d have to overcome a mountain or another. Gosh. Can’t the sun just shine for longer days? Why must it rain so soon?

Silly me, without hesitation, I decided to take the road less traveled, the road that leads to familiar destruction, the road that I walked back from years ago. But I’m not regretting because I’m happy, though not completely, but I am… Yes, I’m very much enlightened with the fact that this is gonna be temporary but why not?.. Life is a risk after all.

To Believe or To Stay Calm?

When we say ‘Everything happens for a reason..’ or ‘This happened because God was helping you from falling into a bigger mishap..’, do we really believe in those statements or do we merely say it to calm ourselves down? Bundle of shit had been pouring my way lately and after repeating both those statements numerous times, I’m starting to feel that its pure nuisance. I’m only saying it to feel better, well, not that there are other ways to calm the fuck down!

Sometimes, its easy to say, “Let’s just leave it in the hands of God, He’ll sort it out for us..” but how do one actually prove it that they are relying on that sentence wholly? You can’t help the panic or grieve when you’re in trouble or pain. You still cry, or whine, or react to a particular matter despite repeating the sentences in your head. We’re humans after all and there’s nothing in particular we can do but to surrender to someone. And sometimes, talking to an imaginary friend is better than talking to someone real because you prefer to hear your conscience rather than someone’s advise.

Whatever said and done, my humble request to God is that, if You’re really doing it for a reason, show me the reason! Stop playing hide and seek already. Give me a clue at least. Stop keeping me in the dark cos you know me well, I’m the type who wants to know it all! 😉

Life Goes On..

She was lying in bed at 2 o’clock in the morning, tossing and turning, trying to catch some sleep after a long exhausting day. Memories of yesterday were flooding through her restless mind. “Again?!” she asked herself. “Go away! I need to rest!” she interjected. It was apparent that she felt uneasy. Tablets of flashbacks began to puzzle her intuition. “Fuck off! Leave me alone!” she yelled silently in her head. She was nearly in tears but the voices in her head were not leaving her alone.

She started to sob. She knew that she was breaking down, once again, during the darkest hours of the night, all alone. Thousands of questions crept through her like the vibes of an acid frenzy. All the horrible bygones began to dawn to her.

A voice in her head said, “What have I done? Was it a mistake? Why do I feel that I should not have taken such a bold step to remove him completely from my life? I miss him!” Tears were streaming down her face like rain gushing off a steep roof.

She knew that she have gone through a lot in life and a break up was indeed petty in comparison to the rest. But of course she can’t deny the fact that the pain pierced through her heart like pricking needles. She hated feeling this way. She hated pretending strong in the daylight but weeping obscurely when the night falls. She wants to smile genuinely. She wants to laugh whole-heartedly. But why does it all seem so difficult? Why does it seem that happiness is no longer in her league anymore?

In tears, she closed her eyes and let the thoughts wander.. “Oh God, in You I believe, in You I surrender. Please give me the strength to endure this heartbreak. I’m sure You know the best for me. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you, Lord. I believe that You’ve got greater plans!” she prayed silently and fall asleep sooner.

And today, when I glance back at those miserable nights, I’m assured that it all happened for a reason. “God will not give you more than you can handle” – A phrase that became a motto of my life. Whenever I think I’m shattering, I hold my guts tight and tell myself, “It is just another phase of life. You’ll get through it. Don’t give up!”

Life goes on.

Somethings Are Better Left Unsaid..

Have you came across a situation where you have loads of things crossing your mind and heart but you can’t seem to put it in words and burst it out loud?

I have. I’m feeling it at this very moment. I have no idea how to form my unspoken thoughts to words.. It’s more difficult than algebra.

I didn’t know love will cause this much pain. Memories flood my mind almost every day.. And I’m wondering, how could he forget me totally? How come I don’t matter anymore?

Not to brag, but I had been there for all good and bad times in his life as long as I was there.. When his friends left his side, I was there. When his precious instrument was confiscated, I was there. When he had no place to stay, I was there. When he was facing challenges with his studies, I was there… In the end, I’m still there but he’d found a better life.

I don’t understand the concept of life and love. I feel like Humpty Dumpty with a twist in my story. I was sitting on a wall called love and I had a great fall.. 😦 This time around, I find it really tough to get back to where I was sitting hence I’m opting for another wall called life.. Concentrate on myself, family, friends and God. If I’m gonna fall from this wall as well, I don’t think I’d have the courage to look for another wall.

Oh God, you’ve taken the word love out of my life.. Please don’t take the rest. I’m contended with what I have eventhough he once said that I’m not..

Smiling in sorrow has became a routine. Showing joy on the outside while my heart cries inside has became a habit. I wanna get outta this shithole. Seriously.

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