Wired Thoughts

I have long came to know that everyone comes into your life for a reason but I can’t help but to question myself each and every time someone results me reminiscing past events that I am not even interested to recollect.

What’s the purpose really you came into my life to make me feel this way?

Most the time I have to look at the positive aspect of it – perhaps to make me stronger.

I am well aware that I should not hold past grudges against anyone but sometimes, some actions gives you the same level of anxiety as it did previously and in some situations, you find it extremely difficult to express these feelings to someone who barely wants to understand your soul – what would be the best next course of action?

Personally, I’d try my very best to make the other person understand. But again, one would only understand if they choose to comprehend to your situation. It will be really difficult to achieve the breakthrough if the other person chooses not to hear you out instead. It makes you feel like you’re constantly trapped in your own thoughts and that feeling of wanting to breakfree from such depressing feelings only adds up to the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

I often find myself in this situation and can’t seem to find the best solution for it. I’m literally feeling anxious as I am typing this away because I have loads to say but I can’t seem to express my thoughts in the best way. I realise I’m one person who prefers to communicate and expects the other party to listen. But again, not all five fingers are the same. Not everyone has the capabilities of being a favorable listener.

Some would say, walk away from the people who do not choose to understand you? How do you do that really? Especially when that person is someone you love dearly? Like God damn it, I want you to hear me out. I want to be more than physically naked to you. I want to be naked with you mentally too. Can I not pour my feelings to you while I be sure that I’ll always have your back? And can you have some respect to my feelings and try your best not to do anything that will ignite such anxiety within me?

 

 

Advertisements

Haywired

Days went by, months passed, and the sudden urge to vent the heart out again.

Have you ever questioned your place in one’s life? Have you evaluated the way one’s character but before jumping to any conclusion about that someone, deep inside, you’re seeking answers to your questions that only meddles in your mind but you never once dared speaking it out? That’s only because the bitter truth is that you very well know the reality and you already have the answers at the back of your mind but you’re just not ready to accept them cos there’s something stopping you from it…

Sometimes, you grow into living an oblivious life, pretending that nothing bothers you, really. Not everybody can see the pain behind those eyes hence it have always been better to staple a smile over that pretty face so you could walk your pain alone. But again, who are you fooling? You could undeniably deceive the world, but never yourself. 🙂 When you sit alone in the empty darkness, your mind starts thinking and your heart starts feeling and there you go, falling apart, crumbling into pieces.

As time goes by, living a life as such becomes part and parcel of your life. Distinctly, there are days where you’re fully contended wishing it will remain by you forever. But again, life is a passing cloud. There’s nothing permanent.

Please ignore the jumbled thoughts. Haywired.

Mind and Heart – No Chemistry

I smiled through the confusion, laughed through the euphoria, weeped through the agony… I surpassed it all because more than I want to, I had to… life’s an adventure after all. 😄

Time passes, situation turn overs, people changes … but love never fades. I trust that each and every person that comes into your lives comes in it for a reason and there’s no way they’ll depart without leaving a footprint in your heart. ❤

Yes honey, nothing is permanent in this world. People do leave. 🙂 just that some stays longer than expected, not in your lives, but in your heart. 🙂 In fact, some are there forever. 😁

Lately, it has been a pretty challenging to express the mind and heart. I’m always in a dilemma, muddled between thoughts and emotions. Someone once told me that the mind and heart does not latch on to chemistry thus love is painful because though you know it’s disastrous, you can’t keep yourself from feeling it. 😉 and as much as it hurts, you can’t negate the wonderful moments which turns out to be life’s greatest memories. 😀

I’ll miss you. I’ll miss us. Thank you for being a great spot. Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me to endure the worst pain of all. Most importantly, thank you so much for loving me unconditionally. I wished, yes, WISHED – and not wish because I know it’ll never happen in this lifetime – that the situation was a whole lot different. Maybe we would have made it through happily. 🙂

Oh well, …. life goes on. 🙂 keep smiling to curtain the way it sores, pierces, gashes and aches inside. 🙂 🙂

As a Malaysian

Malaysia’s 13th general elections is over, and I’m sure the world’s oldest ruling coalition, Barisan Nasional is celebrating their victory while the people of Malaysia is hurt, upset and angry with the fraudulent election results! I believe that everyone is born with a sense of patriotism in their heart but they fail to realize it due to pure ignorance on their sides. I was once upon a time among the many who had no clue about the political state in Malaysia but today, I’m glad to say that I’ve evolved into a young lady who’s very much concerned about our individual rights as a citizen in a particular country.

As a Malaysian, I sincerely urge the administration of the ruling government, from the Ministers to the lower rank officers to sit back and give some thoughts on the current political situation in the country. Have you really won at all? Does your victory in the elections worth more than the trust of your people? I doubt. You disregarded our plea; you played your dirty tactics yet again despite the arising anger among the citizens. The majority didn’t choose you, you chose yourself in the most tedious ways. How is that fair?

My late grandfather was a policeman, I’ve never met him because he passed away before I was born but I wish he was here today to give me some facts about the state of Malaysia in his times. My father was also a policeman but today, I’m glad that he left the force a long time ago or we may be one of the many who’d fear to speak up for the truth because we were ‘under the obligations’ of the government.

Our forefathers sacrificed their lives to gain independence for this country but today, immigrants are given free identity cards (IC) without second thoughts. Why is this happening in Malaysia? It is true when they say, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” – Lord Acton. The Ministers of the coalition are so possessed with their powers which initially led them to make blind decisions by jeopardizing the future of this country.

Have they once considered how would it feel like to have immigrants dominating our beloved country claiming that they are citizens of Malaysia? No. They haven’t. It’ll personally break my heart to have an Indonesian or a Bangladeshi coming up to me and claiming to be a citizen of this country without a brief idea of its history. It’s us, the citizen of Malaysia who owns this country, we were born and bred here and I’m saying it once for all, I wouldn’t mind shedding my blood for this country if circumstances arise.

Yes, we may have lost the 13th general elections but you’ve not won either, you’ve lose us, the people of Malaysia. You are a shame to a democratic country. And no, we’ll not give up, ever. We’ll strive as long as we can and we will make sure to bring about the change in this country, sooner or later. Thank you for opening the eyes of young Malaysians.

Sincerely,

One of the many Malaysians voted for a change. 🙂

Experiences Of A 23-year Old!

So here I am, back to tell you the experience of 23 years of my life. I apologize for the extreme delay.. I had been caught up with loads of work and by the time I get home, the last thing I would love to face is a God damn monitor! I need to give my eyes a break you see. :p

Let’s get rolling then.. 😉 I’ve got tonnes of experiences but I’m just gonna jolt down the significant ones randomly yeah.. Sorry if its gonna spin your head. Haha! 😉

1. Parents are ALWAYS right!

I’ve got no objection on this statement, sir! I was one of those rebellious kids who had these thoughts that my parents are evil enough to control my life! They don’t give me the opportunity to be independent like other teenagers, or maybe, they just don’t trust me! Those thoughts controlled my mind till I saw a bigger picture of the ruthless characters of the mankind these days. Shit happened and I learnt from my very own experience. Then I reflect and realized that I practically dug my own grave. I was advised and warned about such matters before.

After all these years, after all the crap I went through, to a certain extend, I’ve came to realization that parent’s always wants the best for their children. They ain’t your enemies buddy! They can be wrong at times, agreed! But not all the time. They went through greater experiences in their lives hence they know better. I’m sure they only advise us based on what they’ve seen in life, just like we do.. 🙂

2. Not all friends are TRUE friends.

I’m a hard believer of this statement. Since I was a child, I’ve seen all sorts of people coming in and moving outta my life. I had many friends back in school, only a few that still keeps in touch up to date. It was my university life that changed me a lot. People come, people go. At first, they claim they’ll never leave your side by any chance but when you’re at your lowest, they ain’t there for you. Some believe others more than you, make up scenarios in their heads about you, but no, won’t utter a word to you directly cos they rather believe in their imaginations. Oh cmon! If something about another friend is bothering you terribly, confront and sort it out. And please give a chance for him/her to talk. Don’t just assume things and blurt shit outta your mouth.

Sigh. I get really frustrated when it comes to this topic but yea, those you ditches you in the end were not true friends after all. 🙂 True friends are those who are there for you when you’re at your weakest. True friends are those who don’t judge you for your actions but advise you if you’re wrong. True friends are those who offer their shoulders for you to cry on when your heart is heavy. And I’m glad to say, after all these years, I’ve a few TRUE friends whom I can definitely rely on anytime, anywhere. I hope our friendship develops but not deteriorates over the years. 🙂

3. A heartbreak CHANGES the entire you.

It did, finally. To be honest, I’ve lost trust in the term “relationship”. People take relationships for granted these days. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I went through a break up recently, about 3 months ago. Its been 3 months, yeah, fucking THREE months, but to me it seems like it was just yesterday. I’ve never found myself finding it so difficult to move on after a break up but not this time. It probably hit me strongly this time because I was immature enough to give a 100%. Well, its okay. It was after the break up I realized loads of things. And no honey, I’m not full of vengeance, I just can’t accept the fact that I was in love with you entirely despite all the shit that you did in that one year and three months! I was stupid, very stupid.

However, I’d still like to thank you for coming into my life and changing me altogether. If you didn’t break my heart this way, I probably wouldn’t learn to value myself up to this date. I believe everything happens for a reason. You definitely taught me the lesson of my life. Please note that I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. You’re just history now and at times I wish I could you remove that part of my life completely. Sigh. But I know I can’t turn back time. All I can do is LEARN from the MISTAKES.

4. Learn to LOVE yourself.

I learned this expensively, rather expensively. It came to a point of life now that I finally understand the term “self-respect”. Dear girls, women and ladies, please value yourself. Don’t drop down flat in front of the man you love. Never let him feel superior to you. Never let him to use your weaknesses against you. To make it simple, DON’T LET HIM TO FUCK AROUND WITH YOU! Held your head high and tell him to FUCK OFF if he ever mistreats you.

I was stupid enough to stay around and deal with all the shit for the sake of LOVE. But what did I get in the end? Nothing but pain. Sweethearts, never allow him to carry his hands on you, that’s called ABUSING. Never tolerate the fact that he flirted behind your back, that’s called CHEATING. LOVE yourself, girls. Be with a man you believe you deserve. Don’t put yourself so low for the sake of love. I did. But I’ll never allow it to happen ever again. The next time a guy mistreats me, he better be prepared to pack his bags and get the fuck outta my life.

At times, when I look back, I wish I could handle things differently. If only I thought this way at that time, maybe things would have been a whole load different. It’ll save me from a broken heart at least. Or maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t look down at myself today. But don’t worry.. I’ll be fine. I’m not that broken to give up my life just like that. I’ll concentrate on the important aspects of my life and shit on the least important ones.. for I’ve learned to put myself ahead of others. 🙂

5. KARMA is a bitch.

When I was young, I was profound by the phrase “What goes around, comes around”. As I grew older, I was introduced to “Karma is a bitch”. As much I didn’t know how these phrases relates to our lives, today, ask me.. Been through it all. At times I wonder.. maybe, just maybe… whatever that I’m going through today is the result of what I have caused others yesterday, both directly and indirectly. Hence, I do not have a solid reason to hate anyone. They all came in my life to teach me a lesson, it one way or another..

6. Live life for the MOMENT.

If you ask me the definition of life, I’d answer you, “Search it for yourself”. This is not because I know it and I don’t wanna share with you.. Its more of I don’t have the answer too. 😦 I’ve never really tried searching for the answer either. Life is just life. Make the best out of it. 🙂 Don’t regret the yesterdays. Learn from them and move forward for life moves forward, not backward.

No, happiness doesn’t seek you. You gotta find it within you. Do shit that makes you happy. Be with people that make you feel great about yourself. Chuck those who condemns you outta your life. I know its easier said that done but practice makes perfect. 😉

7. You can’t possibly PLEASE everyone.

Oh! I learned this the hard way but I’m glad I learned it anyway. No, never on this earth you can please everyone, every time. Expectations kills. Judgments too. Always do things that feel right to you. I’m not saying that you’ll probably make the best decision at all times.. You may fall one too many times but you gotta learn to pick up those pieces and get up again. Screw the world, seriously. Believe in yourselves honey.

8. Believe in Him. 🙂

Always believe in Him. You’ll never go wrong. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank that guy who broke my heart.. It’s you who strengthen my believes for the Almighty God. Thank you. And the only reason I’m standing here today is because of Him. The guy I thought was my world left me broken into pieces. I was confused. I was lost. All I did was  surrender to God. I couldn’t have done better. It took me a lot of time to get over him, it was my believe that kept me going. I knew that I’ll be okay someday.. I knew that I’ll be perfectly fine.. I’m not there just as yet but with God by my side, I know I’d be able to fight tougher battles than this. Guess he’s just preparing me bit my bit so I can face bigger shit out there.. I don’t know.

I guess that is all I have for now. I’m feeling pretty sleepy already.. 😦 Haha. I’m laughing over my this post. In the beginning, I kinda elaborated it finely and towards the end, I couldn’t think much anymore hence all those short descriptions.. Haha. Forgive me. I’ll definitely write more if anything crossed my mind yeah. 🙂 Oh, lemme share with you a very very short poem by yours truly.

 What’s life? I’m yet to understand.

What’s love? I’m yet to know.

Without You, will I ever stand?

To You I shall surrender, that I know.

Alright then. I’m off to bed. Good night world! Till I have the time to write again……