Wired Thoughts

I have long came to know that everyone comes into your life for a reason but I can’t help but to question myself each and every time someone results me reminiscing past events that I am not even interested to recollect.

What’s the purpose really you came into my life to make me feel this way?

Most the time I have to look at the positive aspect of it – perhaps to make me stronger.

I am well aware that I should not hold past grudges against anyone but sometimes, some actions gives you the same level of anxiety as it did previously and in some situations, you find it extremely difficult to express these feelings to someone who barely wants to understand your soul – what would be the best next course of action?

Personally, I’d try my very best to make the other person understand. But again, one would only understand if they choose to comprehend to your situation. It will be really difficult to achieve the breakthrough if the other person chooses not to hear you out instead. It makes you feel like you’re constantly trapped in your own thoughts and that feeling of wanting to breakfree from such depressing feelings only adds up to the emotional turmoil that you’re facing.

I often find myself in this situation and can’t seem to find the best solution for it. I’m literally feeling anxious as I am typing this away because I have loads to say but I can’t seem to express my thoughts in the best way. I realise I’m one person who prefers to communicate and expects the other party to listen. But again, not all five fingers are the same. Not everyone has the capabilities of being a favorable listener.

Some would say, walk away from the people who do not choose to understand you? How do you do that really? Especially when that person is someone you love dearly? Like God damn it, I want you to hear me out. I want to be more than physically naked to you. I want to be naked with you mentally too. Can I not pour my feelings to you while I be sure that I’ll always have your back? And can you have some respect to my feelings and try your best not to do anything that will ignite such anxiety within me?

 

 

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Haywired

Days went by, months passed, and the sudden urge to vent the heart out again.

Have you ever questioned your place in one’s life? Have you evaluated the way one’s character but before jumping to any conclusion about that someone, deep inside, you’re seeking answers to your questions that only meddles in your mind but you never once dared speaking it out? That’s only because the bitter truth is that you very well know the reality and you already have the answers at the back of your mind but you’re just not ready to accept them cos there’s something stopping you from it…

Sometimes, you grow into living an oblivious life, pretending that nothing bothers you, really. Not everybody can see the pain behind those eyes hence it have always been better to staple a smile over that pretty face so you could walk your pain alone. But again, who are you fooling? You could undeniably deceive the world, but never yourself. 🙂 When you sit alone in the empty darkness, your mind starts thinking and your heart starts feeling and there you go, falling apart, crumbling into pieces.

As time goes by, living a life as such becomes part and parcel of your life. Distinctly, there are days where you’re fully contended wishing it will remain by you forever. But again, life is a passing cloud. There’s nothing permanent.

Please ignore the jumbled thoughts. Haywired.

Mind and Heart – No Chemistry

I smiled through the confusion, laughed through the euphoria, weeped through the agony… I surpassed it all because more than I want to, I had to… life’s an adventure after all. 😄

Time passes, situation turn overs, people changes … but love never fades. I trust that each and every person that comes into your lives comes in it for a reason and there’s no way they’ll depart without leaving a footprint in your heart. ❤

Yes honey, nothing is permanent in this world. People do leave. 🙂 just that some stays longer than expected, not in your lives, but in your heart. 🙂 In fact, some are there forever. 😁

Lately, it has been a pretty challenging to express the mind and heart. I’m always in a dilemma, muddled between thoughts and emotions. Someone once told me that the mind and heart does not latch on to chemistry thus love is painful because though you know it’s disastrous, you can’t keep yourself from feeling it. 😉 and as much as it hurts, you can’t negate the wonderful moments which turns out to be life’s greatest memories. 😀

I’ll miss you. I’ll miss us. Thank you for being a great spot. Thank you for coming into my life and teaching me to endure the worst pain of all. Most importantly, thank you so much for loving me unconditionally. I wished, yes, WISHED – and not wish because I know it’ll never happen in this lifetime – that the situation was a whole lot different. Maybe we would have made it through happily. 🙂

Oh well, …. life goes on. 🙂 keep smiling to curtain the way it sores, pierces, gashes and aches inside. 🙂 🙂

Here Comes The Rants!

Damnnnnn! I hate working! 😦 I don’t wanna go to work tomorrow. Get that?! I fuckin wanna sleep my ass off and wake up whatever time my body decides and just laze around!! But I don’t have a fuckin choice because one, I signed a fuckin contract.. Two, I need money and three, I gotta learn to take up respinsibilities. Screw this shit man!

Now that was a dramatic introduction.. Hahaha! Its a blunder to handle both work and studies at the same time. I’m tryin my best to be as discipline but discipline and me are miles apart. Lol.

Lately, I’ve been in this fuckin emotional turmoil that I can’t reveal even if I choose to. To fall in love feels great but to get out of it kinda sucks the soul outta your body. I probably dug my own hole this time and I gotta bear the consequences. Shoots! Let’s not get into that. Haih!

Yes, whining away wouldn’t help a single bit hence I should just motivate myself, pick up all the broken pieces and move on! 🙂 Work for the experience and money while study to pursue my passion. 😉

Toodles!! 😀

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Of Friendship And Misunderstandings.. :(

Have you felt that you’ve used the wrong choices of words to advice a friend? Have you felt that things could have been much better if you chose to shut the fuck up instead? Have you felt that sometimes you gotta pretend to suit others need?

If you’ve not, better pray that you wouldn’t cos I felt that in an instant after letting out all I could last night. It was relating to a friend who had been down for the past 4 months and nothing seems to be helping her to rise up. I may have used the wrong choices of words but to be judged and concluded based on what I said with the utmost genuine intentions is extremely hurting.

I’ve tried each and every way I could to make her feel better and realize her self-worth but I couldn’t bear it any longer that led me to just snap and let out everything that I felt all this while. I agree that I may be wrong in my way of approaching but I can’t pretend no longer. I just felt like saying all I want the way I should.

Sometimes I wonder, is it wrong to care? Is it wrong to be ruthless just to get some sense knocked in someone’s head? I didn’t mean to be a bitch, I just want her to get over it already! I know it is her personal life and it is up to her to decide when exactly she wanna feel better but as a friend, I believe that I should be her pillar to support her at her worst. I did all I could for the past months though I was going through the similar emotional turmoil. It was even harder then cos I was tucked in a mess myself and being a pillar for someone when your pillar is practically shattering wasn’t a good idea.

I personally believe that no matter how much you love someone of the opposite sex, never bury down yourself to the ground. Love yourself just as much, in fact more for then you’ll realize what or who is it that you actually deserve. Being treated like a puppet for the name sake of love wouldn’t make you a greater being but weaker over time! Some people are blinded by love while being in a relationship, well.. at least I was.. .. . and in that atmosphere, they just tend to ignore the obvious. Accepted. But .. When you realize that you’ve been treated unacceptably after you’re dumped or when you dump him/her, then why don’t you live by that facts and move on?

If you value yourself and put yourself high enough in your very own life, it’ll capture you that you had been living with someone who didn’t value or respect you for your worth. Never let a man/woman to take advantage of your innocence, silence and shyness for his/her satisfaction. To me, relationship doesn’t work that way. The key to every relationship should be respect. You respect his choice and he shall respect yours. Compromise where you should, especially if it results to uncomfortableness or hurt.

This is all I wanted her to know. I tried relating it to her personal life, her personal stories but she never seemed to get it. I said it in the nicest way ever and the bitchiest way ever.. But I still failed. And I feel I did enough but for a friend, the word ‘enough’ never exists. She may be upset or angry with me now but there’s nothing I could do to make her feel better cos I’m as upset. An apology is all that I could hand over from my side but the fact that she thinks I made her feel disgusted about herself … Sigh! I’m speechless.

Well, I guess I shall just leave her alone and give her some time to think for herself what I really meant out of the conversation yesterday. Even if she decides to take all my words literally and not look at the genuine intentions that were hidden in between those words, I shall let her be. I may not sound like a good friend and I’m not gonna label myself as one either but I know I meant it sincerely.

People, if you’ve got some advise, please do not hesitate to drop me comments. It’ll be very much appreciated.

Thanks! 🙂