Haywired

Days went by, months passed, and the sudden urge to vent the heart out again.

Have you ever questioned your place in one’s life? Have you evaluated the way one’s character but before jumping to any conclusion about that someone, deep inside, you’re seeking answers to your questions that only meddles in your mind but you never once dared speaking it out? That’s only because the bitter truth is that you very well know the reality and you already have the answers at the back of your mind but you’re just not ready to accept them cos there’s something stopping you from it…

Sometimes, you grow into living an oblivious life, pretending that nothing bothers you, really. Not everybody can see the pain behind those eyes hence it have always been better to staple a smile over that pretty face so you could walk your pain alone. But again, who are you fooling? You could undeniably deceive the world, but never yourself. 🙂 When you sit alone in the empty darkness, your mind starts thinking and your heart starts feeling and there you go, falling apart, crumbling into pieces.

As time goes by, living a life as such becomes part and parcel of your life. Distinctly, there are days where you’re fully contended wishing it will remain by you forever. But again, life is a passing cloud. There’s nothing permanent.

Please ignore the jumbled thoughts. Haywired.

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The Come Back

Ahh.. I just noticed that it has been four freakin months since the last I posted anything on this platform of mine. :/ Gosh, the past four months had been.. ermm.. educating I’d say. As usual, ups and downs, okay, more downs because hurdles never fail to cross my path.

I personally do not think it is a good idea to switch on the throwback mode, mostly because I’ll start reminiscing over shit I don’t wanna relate myself to anymore, ever. The past is to be left where it belongs, I’d rather concentrate on the present and the upcoming future. In fact, even the present is a great deal to be dealt with, kinda confusing in its own ways… Oh well, bravo me, I’ve never learned to stop digging my own grave. Ermm.. Adventurous eh? 😉

Okie, scrap that! I’m back in hometown, home sweet home, Miri! 😀 Missing my youngest buddy (the brother) a little too much because he’s in a land far far away educating himself to be a doctor. May God’s blessings enshines upon him always to fulfill his parents dreams. 🙂 Ohhh, and I’m officially done with my first year in law school, currently struggling my way through the second year. Hmmm…

I’m sure none of the information above benefited you in any way but oh dear, I’ve learned that sharing is caring and most importantly, I shall speak the flame of my heart at this very platform. 😉 Ahhh… speaking about the flame of my heart, I guess it has passed way that stage, it’s literally blazing outright now, spreading like a wildfire throughout the universe. (Kindly note the exaggeration :D)

The heart is innocent, nevertheless the strongest. Though it had been ripped, crushed and torn apart a couple of times, it beats just the same. When flourished, it smiles. When bruised, it aches. And at this very point of time, I guess both the mind and heart is at a very confused state. Hmmm… I shall elaborate that further in the next post, not really in the mood right now.

Sorry for the non-beneficial post. I promise to come back with something better the next time! 🙂 I’ve got too much running through my mind today. Sigh. Hope all’s well. 😀

Life Goes On..

She was lying in bed at 2 o’clock in the morning, tossing and turning, trying to catch some sleep after a long exhausting day. Memories of yesterday were flooding through her restless mind. “Again?!” she asked herself. “Go away! I need to rest!” she interjected. It was apparent that she felt uneasy. Tablets of flashbacks began to puzzle her intuition. “Fuck off! Leave me alone!” she yelled silently in her head. She was nearly in tears but the voices in her head were not leaving her alone.

She started to sob. She knew that she was breaking down, once again, during the darkest hours of the night, all alone. Thousands of questions crept through her like the vibes of an acid frenzy. All the horrible bygones began to dawn to her.

A voice in her head said, “What have I done? Was it a mistake? Why do I feel that I should not have taken such a bold step to remove him completely from my life? I miss him!” Tears were streaming down her face like rain gushing off a steep roof.

She knew that she have gone through a lot in life and a break up was indeed petty in comparison to the rest. But of course she can’t deny the fact that the pain pierced through her heart like pricking needles. She hated feeling this way. She hated pretending strong in the daylight but weeping obscurely when the night falls. She wants to smile genuinely. She wants to laugh whole-heartedly. But why does it all seem so difficult? Why does it seem that happiness is no longer in her league anymore?

In tears, she closed her eyes and let the thoughts wander.. “Oh God, in You I believe, in You I surrender. Please give me the strength to endure this heartbreak. I’m sure You know the best for me. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you, Lord. I believe that You’ve got greater plans!” she prayed silently and fall asleep sooner.

And today, when I glance back at those miserable nights, I’m assured that it all happened for a reason. “God will not give you more than you can handle” – A phrase that became a motto of my life. Whenever I think I’m shattering, I hold my guts tight and tell myself, “It is just another phase of life. You’ll get through it. Don’t give up!”

Life goes on.

18 Months Ago?

Le sigh. Emo post!

18 months ago, on this date, around this time, I dug my own grave and I fall into it. I’m still finding my way out from this darkness.. It isn’t easy! 😦 I’m injured badly. I’m bleeding terribly. I have cuts. I have wounds.. But I’m sure, time heals..

I’m waiting to get out of this grave. I want to see the sunlight once again. The journey is tough but I’m not gonna lose hope. One day, when I’m old, I’ll look back at these days and proudly tell my grandchildrens (if I have any) that I managed to fight the battle. I didn’t give up. I wasn’t strong, but I did it! 🙂

I don’t wish to turn back time and change anything cos if I do, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t regret my decisions cos if you didn’t break my heart, I wouldn’t know what a heartbreak feels like… But I wish I didn’t loved you this much cos the toughest thing on earth is to actually get over you.

The situation now is killing me silently. I’m amazed by the way you left me in the dark, all alone, fighting the battle of my heart. But its okay, it took me 18 months to only love you.. Maybe it’ll take me another 18 months to forget you completely? God knows.

Since I’m left as history to you, I’ve been preventing myself from getting anywhere close to you.. I’m sure dear, I’m sure that you’ll be history to me one day too. I’m sure you’re happy and complete without me.. Haha! Bittersweet feelings.

Take good care. Till then, goodbyeeee…

 

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