Haywired

Days went by, months passed, and the sudden urge to vent the heart out again.

Have you ever questioned your place in one’s life? Have you evaluated the way one’s character but before jumping to any conclusion about that someone, deep inside, you’re seeking answers to your questions that only meddles in your mind but you never once dared speaking it out? That’s only because the bitter truth is that you very well know the reality and you already have the answers at the back of your mind but you’re just not ready to accept them cos there’s something stopping you from it…

Sometimes, you grow into living an oblivious life, pretending that nothing bothers you, really. Not everybody can see the pain behind those eyes hence it have always been better to staple a smile over that pretty face so you could walk your pain alone. But again, who are you fooling? You could undeniably deceive the world, but never yourself. 🙂 When you sit alone in the empty darkness, your mind starts thinking and your heart starts feeling and there you go, falling apart, crumbling into pieces.

As time goes by, living a life as such becomes part and parcel of your life. Distinctly, there are days where you’re fully contended wishing it will remain by you forever. But again, life is a passing cloud. There’s nothing permanent.

Please ignore the jumbled thoughts. Haywired.

Que Sera, Sera

Gosh! It has been ages! The strange urge of jolting down my wired thoughts, puzzled mind and jumbled feelings FINALLY resided after contemplating for months. Too much have been going on in my plate and to my greatest dismay, blogging had been the final resort. I couldn’t get myself to rant it out here, sadly… but well, I guess one can’t run too far away resorting on a temporary harbor to vent out the sentiments.

Anyways, what’s up? How’ve you been doing? I hope all’s well. I’m pretty much good too, or at least I assume I am. 🙂 Every day have been a new day for me – creating new opportunities, delivering unique experiences, forming meaningful memories – not forgetting the self-enduring smile and life changing tears. It have been good, innit? 😉

On a side note, did I fall in love? Hahaha! I fell in love every day. 🙂 I shall leave it to your imagination! 😀 And of course with love come tears, tears of contentment and tears of sorrow. Life’s never a predictable journey and love is definitely blind. Situations comes along in the most accidental manner, leaving you dumbfounded – letting time decide the outcome.

Have you ever tried fighting for someone or something so persistently knowing that no matter how hard you struggle, there’s no possible way you can turnaround and claim victory? I did. And of course I lost in my very own battle. 🙂 There’s only so much one can ride out in life. One can’t bear the brunt for too long. I eventually resolved to sit back and acknowledge the truth, the reality and repressing the feelings by soothing myself with my favourite line of all time, “que sera, sera” (whatever will be, will be). 🙂

Don’t worry, I’m still smiling through it all. 🙂 🙂 The agony is discreetly concealed behind the curve that sets everything straight. 🙂 Que sera, sera but I shall carry each and every piece of memory to the end of time. 🙂

The Road Less Traveled

“True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It’s when he ignores you and you still love him. It’s when he loves another but you still smile and say ‘I’m happy for you’… when all you really want to do is cry.” ~ Anonymous

“I’m okay”, two words that covers the life puzzle like no other. Its the easiest way not to be questioned further because you’re just too exasperated to explain the way you feel about everything. You realize that your life is a maze, indeed a mystifying one. You’re aware that you’ll face a stumbling block no matter which junction you take hence you resolve to go right up ahead and just let it be because you want to be happy now… you want to live for the moment, not for the future… and most importantly, you wanna smile now, genuinely because you’re tired of being overwhelmed with emotions every now and then.

While travelling your road, you may appear to be lonesome but the truth is, you’re not at all lonely. You’ve got the most amazing friends you can rely on at any time, any day and you know for fact that they’ll be there for you. Also, you’ve got your family back at any time you need them and you’ve got God, hence there’s no need for anything else. Oh well, you can’t escape from the oh-so-judgmental human nature. Thus, its best to be ignorant to an extent and continue walking down your the path you’ve chosen because in the end, the journey is yours… you’ve got to live for yourself, not for others. 🙂

Over the years, I’ve traveled my road, I’ve walked my path, I’ve overcome the mountains and here I am, at a crossroad once again. Damn! Didn’t I mention earlier that I’m clearly aware that no matter which junction I take, I know I’d have to overcome a mountain or another. Gosh. Can’t the sun just shine for longer days? Why must it rain so soon?

Silly me, without hesitation, I decided to take the road less traveled, the road that leads to familiar destruction, the road that I walked back from years ago. But I’m not regretting because I’m happy, though not completely, but I am… Yes, I’m very much enlightened with the fact that this is gonna be temporary but why not?.. Life is a risk after all.

Life Goes On..

She was lying in bed at 2 o’clock in the morning, tossing and turning, trying to catch some sleep after a long exhausting day. Memories of yesterday were flooding through her restless mind. “Again?!” she asked herself. “Go away! I need to rest!” she interjected. It was apparent that she felt uneasy. Tablets of flashbacks began to puzzle her intuition. “Fuck off! Leave me alone!” she yelled silently in her head. She was nearly in tears but the voices in her head were not leaving her alone.

She started to sob. She knew that she was breaking down, once again, during the darkest hours of the night, all alone. Thousands of questions crept through her like the vibes of an acid frenzy. All the horrible bygones began to dawn to her.

A voice in her head said, “What have I done? Was it a mistake? Why do I feel that I should not have taken such a bold step to remove him completely from my life? I miss him!” Tears were streaming down her face like rain gushing off a steep roof.

She knew that she have gone through a lot in life and a break up was indeed petty in comparison to the rest. But of course she can’t deny the fact that the pain pierced through her heart like pricking needles. She hated feeling this way. She hated pretending strong in the daylight but weeping obscurely when the night falls. She wants to smile genuinely. She wants to laugh whole-heartedly. But why does it all seem so difficult? Why does it seem that happiness is no longer in her league anymore?

In tears, she closed her eyes and let the thoughts wander.. “Oh God, in You I believe, in You I surrender. Please give me the strength to endure this heartbreak. I’m sure You know the best for me. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you, Lord. I believe that You’ve got greater plans!” she prayed silently and fall asleep sooner.

And today, when I glance back at those miserable nights, I’m assured that it all happened for a reason. “God will not give you more than you can handle” – A phrase that became a motto of my life. Whenever I think I’m shattering, I hold my guts tight and tell myself, “It is just another phase of life. You’ll get through it. Don’t give up!”

Life goes on.

Experiences Of A 23-year Old!

So here I am, back to tell you the experience of 23 years of my life. I apologize for the extreme delay.. I had been caught up with loads of work and by the time I get home, the last thing I would love to face is a God damn monitor! I need to give my eyes a break you see. :p

Let’s get rolling then.. 😉 I’ve got tonnes of experiences but I’m just gonna jolt down the significant ones randomly yeah.. Sorry if its gonna spin your head. Haha! 😉

1. Parents are ALWAYS right!

I’ve got no objection on this statement, sir! I was one of those rebellious kids who had these thoughts that my parents are evil enough to control my life! They don’t give me the opportunity to be independent like other teenagers, or maybe, they just don’t trust me! Those thoughts controlled my mind till I saw a bigger picture of the ruthless characters of the mankind these days. Shit happened and I learnt from my very own experience. Then I reflect and realized that I practically dug my own grave. I was advised and warned about such matters before.

After all these years, after all the crap I went through, to a certain extend, I’ve came to realization that parent’s always wants the best for their children. They ain’t your enemies buddy! They can be wrong at times, agreed! But not all the time. They went through greater experiences in their lives hence they know better. I’m sure they only advise us based on what they’ve seen in life, just like we do.. 🙂

2. Not all friends are TRUE friends.

I’m a hard believer of this statement. Since I was a child, I’ve seen all sorts of people coming in and moving outta my life. I had many friends back in school, only a few that still keeps in touch up to date. It was my university life that changed me a lot. People come, people go. At first, they claim they’ll never leave your side by any chance but when you’re at your lowest, they ain’t there for you. Some believe others more than you, make up scenarios in their heads about you, but no, won’t utter a word to you directly cos they rather believe in their imaginations. Oh cmon! If something about another friend is bothering you terribly, confront and sort it out. And please give a chance for him/her to talk. Don’t just assume things and blurt shit outta your mouth.

Sigh. I get really frustrated when it comes to this topic but yea, those you ditches you in the end were not true friends after all. 🙂 True friends are those who are there for you when you’re at your weakest. True friends are those who don’t judge you for your actions but advise you if you’re wrong. True friends are those who offer their shoulders for you to cry on when your heart is heavy. And I’m glad to say, after all these years, I’ve a few TRUE friends whom I can definitely rely on anytime, anywhere. I hope our friendship develops but not deteriorates over the years. 🙂

3. A heartbreak CHANGES the entire you.

It did, finally. To be honest, I’ve lost trust in the term “relationship”. People take relationships for granted these days. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I went through a break up recently, about 3 months ago. Its been 3 months, yeah, fucking THREE months, but to me it seems like it was just yesterday. I’ve never found myself finding it so difficult to move on after a break up but not this time. It probably hit me strongly this time because I was immature enough to give a 100%. Well, its okay. It was after the break up I realized loads of things. And no honey, I’m not full of vengeance, I just can’t accept the fact that I was in love with you entirely despite all the shit that you did in that one year and three months! I was stupid, very stupid.

However, I’d still like to thank you for coming into my life and changing me altogether. If you didn’t break my heart this way, I probably wouldn’t learn to value myself up to this date. I believe everything happens for a reason. You definitely taught me the lesson of my life. Please note that I don’t hate you but I don’t love you either. You’re just history now and at times I wish I could you remove that part of my life completely. Sigh. But I know I can’t turn back time. All I can do is LEARN from the MISTAKES.

4. Learn to LOVE yourself.

I learned this expensively, rather expensively. It came to a point of life now that I finally understand the term “self-respect”. Dear girls, women and ladies, please value yourself. Don’t drop down flat in front of the man you love. Never let him feel superior to you. Never let him to use your weaknesses against you. To make it simple, DON’T LET HIM TO FUCK AROUND WITH YOU! Held your head high and tell him to FUCK OFF if he ever mistreats you.

I was stupid enough to stay around and deal with all the shit for the sake of LOVE. But what did I get in the end? Nothing but pain. Sweethearts, never allow him to carry his hands on you, that’s called ABUSING. Never tolerate the fact that he flirted behind your back, that’s called CHEATING. LOVE yourself, girls. Be with a man you believe you deserve. Don’t put yourself so low for the sake of love. I did. But I’ll never allow it to happen ever again. The next time a guy mistreats me, he better be prepared to pack his bags and get the fuck outta my life.

At times, when I look back, I wish I could handle things differently. If only I thought this way at that time, maybe things would have been a whole load different. It’ll save me from a broken heart at least. Or maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t look down at myself today. But don’t worry.. I’ll be fine. I’m not that broken to give up my life just like that. I’ll concentrate on the important aspects of my life and shit on the least important ones.. for I’ve learned to put myself ahead of others. 🙂

5. KARMA is a bitch.

When I was young, I was profound by the phrase “What goes around, comes around”. As I grew older, I was introduced to “Karma is a bitch”. As much I didn’t know how these phrases relates to our lives, today, ask me.. Been through it all. At times I wonder.. maybe, just maybe… whatever that I’m going through today is the result of what I have caused others yesterday, both directly and indirectly. Hence, I do not have a solid reason to hate anyone. They all came in my life to teach me a lesson, it one way or another..

6. Live life for the MOMENT.

If you ask me the definition of life, I’d answer you, “Search it for yourself”. This is not because I know it and I don’t wanna share with you.. Its more of I don’t have the answer too. 😦 I’ve never really tried searching for the answer either. Life is just life. Make the best out of it. 🙂 Don’t regret the yesterdays. Learn from them and move forward for life moves forward, not backward.

No, happiness doesn’t seek you. You gotta find it within you. Do shit that makes you happy. Be with people that make you feel great about yourself. Chuck those who condemns you outta your life. I know its easier said that done but practice makes perfect. 😉

7. You can’t possibly PLEASE everyone.

Oh! I learned this the hard way but I’m glad I learned it anyway. No, never on this earth you can please everyone, every time. Expectations kills. Judgments too. Always do things that feel right to you. I’m not saying that you’ll probably make the best decision at all times.. You may fall one too many times but you gotta learn to pick up those pieces and get up again. Screw the world, seriously. Believe in yourselves honey.

8. Believe in Him. 🙂

Always believe in Him. You’ll never go wrong. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank that guy who broke my heart.. It’s you who strengthen my believes for the Almighty God. Thank you. And the only reason I’m standing here today is because of Him. The guy I thought was my world left me broken into pieces. I was confused. I was lost. All I did was  surrender to God. I couldn’t have done better. It took me a lot of time to get over him, it was my believe that kept me going. I knew that I’ll be okay someday.. I knew that I’ll be perfectly fine.. I’m not there just as yet but with God by my side, I know I’d be able to fight tougher battles than this. Guess he’s just preparing me bit my bit so I can face bigger shit out there.. I don’t know.

I guess that is all I have for now. I’m feeling pretty sleepy already.. 😦 Haha. I’m laughing over my this post. In the beginning, I kinda elaborated it finely and towards the end, I couldn’t think much anymore hence all those short descriptions.. Haha. Forgive me. I’ll definitely write more if anything crossed my mind yeah. 🙂 Oh, lemme share with you a very very short poem by yours truly.

 What’s life? I’m yet to understand.

What’s love? I’m yet to know.

Without You, will I ever stand?

To You I shall surrender, that I know.

Alright then. I’m off to bed. Good night world!